Today is the day..

Today is the day, I look back on the year that was. In fact the past two years, as they all seem to mould together somehow. Today is the day I look back and appreciate where I am today. This year has been a huge step forward for me, and although still with many ups and downs and many more struggles, I finally feel like I am making positive headway to be nowhere near were I was this time two years ago.

It still feels raw, that close to this time two years ago, I had my major mental break down that generally ruined the person I was. I have been mourning the person I used to be and fighting so hard to find her again. Some may remember many posts back (it has been a while!) I asked the question, would I ever be 'cured' or recover. Today is the day I can say with some certainty, that no, I will never be cured and never quite be the person that I was. PND has changed my life and the way I look at things. But the person I am now is a new Beck, a new version of my former self and I hope that I have gained a new and better perspective on life.

I still have my days, and not so long ago I thought I was strong enough to come off my meds entirely. I felt more confident in my self and my abilities and it was time. I took a month to come off them completely, and then about a week later I crashed, and crashed hard. See, I can admit I am not always right :)
But that is ok, we all need help to deal with things in life, and this is one of the things that helps me.

I have started doing things for my self, and although the mother guilt still follows, I try to convince my self that I am worth it. I think once each year comes to an end, we all look at what has been, and what might be and how we feel heading into the new year. I feel positive and feel that next year will be a new but happy journey. Weather that is the case or not is beside the point, but for me to feel that way is an amazing achievement in its self.

My Christmas wish for your all, is to take a look at your life, and try to see something positive. If you are not feeling merry this year, please try to take heart and force a smile.... it will not be like this forever. It may be a huge struggle for you right now, but things will change. It is ok to feel the way you do, don't fight it. But in time, learn to deal and cope with it.

Love you to all this Christmas and stay safe.. in your happy mayhem xox

I know this guy..

I know this guy..
We are very close, but not by choice.
Once he finds me he follows me around like a shadow, until I find the strength to shake him off.

He sits upon my shoulder and whispers thoughts of doubt
He makes me feel like glass, so fragile I could break with the slightest fall
Although so small, he towers over me making me feel scared and vulnerable.

He has quite a sense of humor
Turning what was previously a rational thought into an irrational thought
Scrambling my mind.
Do you know what it is like to be afraid to leave the house, or afraid to stay home alone?
He seems to think this is a hilarious joke to play on someone.

But he follows more than myself, time means nothing to him and he can stalk many people at once
Taking away peoples self esteem and confidence without a second thought
He might give it back, but he will make you work damn hard for it.

His name is Anxiety.
I know this guy... I wish I didn't

My Happy Mothers Day

Four days ago I sat in my car at the traffic lights and cried. I felt so numb.. The tears were wanting to come for days but the flood gates would just not open. I am sure I looked like a right dill to anyone sitting the cars next to me, but just feeling so confused, hurt and doubting every thought, those tears were a good release.

But two days later I sat again, this time watching as my kids played so happily, watching them grow before my eyes. Instead of spending mothers day at a busy lunch spot stressing over the kids getting bored and playing up, we spent the morning at a play centre, and we ALL played together. It helped make the best mothers day I could have asked for. Instead of the tantrums and sooking that I am used to being greeted with, my little fella would ask 'Mummy will you come down the slide with me'? Of Course!

So with the bad days (or weeks) comes a good day, which for a moment makes you forget all about the bad. Despite the tears, I have the most beautiful children and I am one of the luckiest mummies around.

Runaway

I ran away.. to another country. Not being a particularly crazy person (despite being insane!) this was the craziest thing I had done. We had arrived home from a 'holiday' with the kids and I think I was more tired and stressed than when we started the trip. Remind me, who would have thought that being with a 3yo and 17mth old in a motorhome would be relaxing. Ok so I was not really expecting relaxing, but Lachie did make it his task to be rather difficult for the majority of the trip which had me at breaking point.

I had booked a trip for mum and dad to New Zealand which was due to leave 2 days after we arrived home. On the Wednesday my mind was so fried I wished I could escape with them.. so I would joke with hubby that we should go too.. then the joke became a deep down yearning. I wanted to go!!! Just get away! I remember NZ from the first time we went, and it had a peacefulness that I can not explain. I sat there staring at the flights for a while with my cc details filled in before I thought bugger it, and hit the pay button. Confirmed.. we were going! It was only when I started packing the kids clothes with tears streaming down my face that I thought 'what the hell am I doing'? I am a mum with responsibilities, not to mention every holiday I had ever gone on were booked at least 6 months ahead with everything pre-planned, not 12hours ahead! I howled for the rest of the day and the anxiety attacks were coming back in full swing.. I could not eat, thought I was going to be sick, even called my travel insurance company in the UK to see if it was too late to cancel. But they don't let you cancel on grounds of being a nut case.. so we were going. Hubby did the best thing he could have done to support me and gave me a pep talk.. 'You deserve this, you need this.. it is just 5 nights and the kids will survive without us.. get over it!!!' Don't worry he was not being mean, just working in my best interests.

Even as my alarm went off at about 4am the next morning, I still felt sick and anxious and thought what can I do to keep me off that plane. But there was a little bit of excitement creeping in there too. As we arrived in Christchurch and the fresh clean air of NZ brushed over me, so did a sense of peace. And I did not look back. I felt like me again. I missed the kids, but have to admit I no longer cried over them.. I was happy to hear there voices on the phone but was not longing to get home until we were on our way home. I enjoyed every moment of the holiday and I can now say despite my feelings at the start it was one of the best things I had done for my mental health. I have come home feeling much more grounded, happy, calm! God only knows how long that feeling will last, but I will try and hold onto it for as long as possible. I have taken another step in learning to consider me as an important part of this family that has to come equal first. Still trying to put this in practice, but I am getting better.

We are so very lucky to have wonderful inlaws who could look after my babies, and awesome parents that I love to travel with. I know that running away is often taking the easy way out, but this was not easy! So if you feel you need, drop the guilt for a moment and take an hour, a day, a week off and refresh. The feelings of guilt, anxiety and fear all wore off and I was able to find me, without even trying.

All my eggs in one big holiday basket

So we are heading off on holidays soon, and I can not tell you how stupidly excited I am. And this is awesome and I can remember a time not so long ago that it was hard to get excited about anything. Only a short holiday, but this is the sort of holiday that my husband and I dreamed of doing as a family, so it is like a little dream come true. Not to mention that some of my fondest memories as a child were the similar holidays we went on as a family, so I get giddy at the thought of embarking on the same with my children. But let me tell you how crazy I am.. a mother dealing with PND and Anxiety and I am trekking off for a week with two toddlers in a motorhome! Such a confined space with a hyperactive and a Velcro child. Yes Beck, that was smart planning to put you straight into the mental asylum.

So now is when the panic starts to set in and I am trying to talk my self around it.. I am trying not to put all my eggs in one basket and have to much weigh on this one trip. My kids are little, so it will be mayhem.. expect it!!! And don't stress when it is. I get anxious at the thought of any of us getting sick on the trip, as this holiday is something I need and the idea of anything ruining it sends me over the edge.

I don't want to come to any ideas that this trip is the make or break of my mental illness, because when it comes down to it, one week away should not make a difference to three years of crazy. So I need to take the pressure off this holiday to deliver something that is can not. I need to not heighten my expectations and just enjoy each day as it comes. This is my holiday as well and I AM going to relax! Now await the post-holiday post to see how well this plan went :)

Cured?

I am part of an amazing support group via facebook, all fellow PND sufferers, near and far from around the country. I have met some amazing girls and been supported with no questions or pressure. We help each other through the darkest days with no explanation required, because we all understand. Started by an amazing woman that I look up to. Although she struggles just like the rest of us in the group, she is so strong and shows such courage and determination to support those around her. I look forward to meeting her in the near future.

But recently we had one member of the group leave, as she felt that she was in such a good place that she did not need us any more. Like AA or similar, this is one of those groups where not needing to be a 'member' anymore is a good thing. We all said goodbye and although sad to see her leave, we were so happy for her at the same time. But this got me thinking.. at what point are you classed as no longer suffering PND? Feeling good for a week, a month, a year? I can definitely say it takes more than a week, I have had a few good weeks only to fall in the hole just as deep as before. But do you become 'cured' at some point, in remission so to speak? This is something I can't yet answer, but so many times I have questioned how long does this have to last. I hear people saying they suffered for months, years, or have their youngest as kinder aged children and are still suffering.

There is no time limit, every one is different in how they suffer and how long they suffer for. But I guess it is the rollercoaster and not knowing that makes it hard. We all feel down at some point, so when in my life can I class it as just feeling down rather than suffering depression... I hate even saying that word, depression. It feels like such an ugly label. But it is reality, and you would think after this long I would be able to shout it from the roof tops without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I would like to think that later in life, when I am 'cured' I can spend some of my time helping others in need, helping them to find their cure!

No Fault

So here I could become the stereotypical teen and blame mum and dad for everything! Its all your fault that I have these hang ups and views, that I have labeled my self in certain ways. But I say this with that sarcastic tone that I use too often, because there is no blame. And if it was anyone in the worlds fault that I am crazy, it definitely would not be mum and dad.

One thing you need to know about my mum and dad, is that they are some of my best friends. I like to refer to them as 'my people'. There are a very select number of people that when I am feeling so very low, just having them near makes the sun shine again.. I call these select number of people 'my people'. Back in school it was very uncool to have your folks as you best friends, but it really is awesome! I feel sorry for people who don't have a good relationship with their parents.

My parents always said I was the 'helpful one', the 'easy one', which to all people (including myself) is a compliment.. so this is where my complex of 'aiming to please' has come from. But I don't blame them that this has kinda helped with the crazy, I took this and labeled my self with it. Funny that praise can turn out that way. But I can say that my 50s housewife views and need to control and do everything comes from mum.. and she knows it!! I joke all the time that she has made me crazy, but in fact she was just trying to be the best mum she could be.. so much so that I just wanted to be the same. I wanted to be my mum! So again, no fault mum, in fact take it as a compliment that your daughter has turned her self crazy, just so she could be like you :)

Change for the better?

So how do you change aspects of your self that have always been there? Views that you always had, no matter how much you knew they were not right and not working, but it is how it has always been. I am far from perfect and I am sure I can be a huge pain in the bum, offensive etc.. and not intentionally of course. But in general I aim to please. I hate to be an inconvenience, so I hate to ask for help. I try to avoid stirring the pot.. I am the 'helpful one', the 'easy one'. Yes yes I can hear you laughing, not like village bicycle easy, but maybe easy going. Which is how I have always been, but I can see that its not really working for me now. That's not to say I don't want to be easy going, or I don't want to be helpful... but I think sometimes I need to stamp my feet and cry and be a pain the bum! I have been doing this on the inside for a while now and it needs to come out, because I am driving my self insane. In a very diva type manner, I said to my husband the other day, 'I feel like I am putting my needs on hold and working my self into the ground to keep everyone else here happy, when will someone put their wants aside for a minute and try to make me happy'. Yep, super diva and very selfish sounding, but this was not said in the heat of the moment while screaming.. this was said as tears rolled down my face because I was at the end of my tether and lost. I don't want the world to stop for me.. just for my feelings and happiness to be considered, just a little.

I was asked today, what is my view of a woman's role. And this to me turns into two different questions.. what is the woman's role, and what is my role?? I seem to have these views of a 50s housewife etched into my brain, which I know are not right so I don't expect this of other woman.. Its not the way it should be and it is not the way that I necessarily want it to be. But I seem to have this strange need to work my self into the ground doing everything in the house, and when Hubby helps I feel guilty because it is something that I should have done. Or when I do ask him to help I am asking for a favour.. How is him cooking a meal doing me a favour, he is going to eat it too!! But there is still that eating away that 'I should be doing it'. Women have been fighting so hard for years for equality, so what is it inside of me that fights so hard to put us back. And I WANT equality.. I want us to work as an equal in the house and not feel guilty for it.
So my role as a women.. to do everything to keep everyone else in the house happy. The role of all other woman, finding an equal ground when they can share the workload. Yes, you too can see how this is wrong.

So back to my original question.. How do you change things about you that you have always been? I know this is going to be hard, but it is what I want, and I have to try and find a happy medium along the way.