Today is the day, I look back on the year that was. In fact the past two years, as they all seem to mould together somehow. Today is the day I look back and appreciate where I am today. This year has been a huge step forward for me, and although still with many ups and downs and many more struggles, I finally feel like I am making positive headway to be nowhere near were I was this time two years ago.
It still feels raw, that close to this time two years ago, I had my major mental break down that generally ruined the person I was. I have been mourning the person I used to be and fighting so hard to find her again. Some may remember many posts back (it has been a while!) I asked the question, would I ever be 'cured' or recover. Today is the day I can say with some certainty, that no, I will never be cured and never quite be the person that I was. PND has changed my life and the way I look at things. But the person I am now is a new Beck, a new version of my former self and I hope that I have gained a new and better perspective on life.
I still have my days, and not so long ago I thought I was strong enough to come off my meds entirely. I felt more confident in my self and my abilities and it was time. I took a month to come off them completely, and then about a week later I crashed, and crashed hard. See, I can admit I am not always right :)
But that is ok, we all need help to deal with things in life, and this is one of the things that helps me.
I have started doing things for my self, and although the mother guilt still follows, I try to convince my self that I am worth it. I think once each year comes to an end, we all look at what has been, and what might be and how we feel heading into the new year. I feel positive and feel that next year will be a new but happy journey. Weather that is the case or not is beside the point, but for me to feel that way is an amazing achievement in its self.
My Christmas wish for your all, is to take a look at your life, and try to see something positive. If you are not feeling merry this year, please try to take heart and force a smile.... it will not be like this forever. It may be a huge struggle for you right now, but things will change. It is ok to feel the way you do, don't fight it. But in time, learn to deal and cope with it.
Love you to all this Christmas and stay safe.. in your happy mayhem xox