This is the life of me, here and now. Wife, Mum of two beautiful ratbags, and trying to find me in there somewhere too! Blogging the thoughts and journey through PND that has me where I am today. This is the life of my Happy (and sometimes not so happy) Mayhem..

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Today is the day..

Today is the day, I look back on the year that was. In fact the past two years, as they all seem to mould together somehow. Today is the day I look back and appreciate where I am today. This year has been a huge step forward for me, and although still with many ups and downs and many more struggles, I finally feel like I am making positive headway to be nowhere near were I was this time two years ago.

It still feels raw, that close to this time two years ago, I had my major mental break down that generally ruined the person I was. I have been mourning the person I used to be and fighting so hard to find her again. Some may remember many posts back (it has been a while!) I asked the question, would I ever be 'cured' or recover. Today is the day I can say with some certainty, that no, I will never be cured and never quite be the person that I was. PND has changed my life and the way I look at things. But the person I am now is a new Beck, a new version of my former self and I hope that I have gained a new and better perspective on life.

I still have my days, and not so long ago I thought I was strong enough to come off my meds entirely. I felt more confident in my self and my abilities and it was time. I took a month to come off them completely, and then about a week later I crashed, and crashed hard. See, I can admit I am not always right :)
But that is ok, we all need help to deal with things in life, and this is one of the things that helps me.

I have started doing things for my self, and although the mother guilt still follows, I try to convince my self that I am worth it. I think once each year comes to an end, we all look at what has been, and what might be and how we feel heading into the new year. I feel positive and feel that next year will be a new but happy journey. Weather that is the case or not is beside the point, but for me to feel that way is an amazing achievement in its self.

My Christmas wish for your all, is to take a look at your life, and try to see something positive. If you are not feeling merry this year, please try to take heart and force a smile.... it will not be like this forever. It may be a huge struggle for you right now, but things will change. It is ok to feel the way you do, don't fight it. But in time, learn to deal and cope with it.

Love you to all this Christmas and stay safe.. in your happy mayhem xox

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I know this guy..

I know this guy..
We are very close, but not by choice.
Once he finds me he follows me around like a shadow, until I find the strength to shake him off.

He sits upon my shoulder and whispers thoughts of doubt
He makes me feel like glass, so fragile I could break with the slightest fall
Although so small, he towers over me making me feel scared and vulnerable.

He has quite a sense of humor
Turning what was previously a rational thought into an irrational thought
Scrambling my mind.
Do you know what it is like to be afraid to leave the house, or afraid to stay home alone?
He seems to think this is a hilarious joke to play on someone.

But he follows more than myself, time means nothing to him and he can stalk many people at once
Taking away peoples self esteem and confidence without a second thought
He might give it back, but he will make you work damn hard for it.

His name is Anxiety.
I know this guy... I wish I didn't

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

My Happy Mothers Day

Four days ago I sat in my car at the traffic lights and cried. I felt so numb.. The tears were wanting to come for days but the flood gates would just not open. I am sure I looked like a right dill to anyone sitting the cars next to me, but just feeling so confused, hurt and doubting every thought, those tears were a good release.

But two days later I sat again, this time watching as my kids played so happily, watching them grow before my eyes. Instead of spending mothers day at a busy lunch spot stressing over the kids getting bored and playing up, we spent the morning at a play centre, and we ALL played together. It helped make the best mothers day I could have asked for. Instead of the tantrums and sooking that I am used to being greeted with, my little fella would ask 'Mummy will you come down the slide with me'? Of Course!

So with the bad days (or weeks) comes a good day, which for a moment makes you forget all about the bad. Despite the tears, I have the most beautiful children and I am one of the luckiest mummies around.

Monday, April 25, 2011


I ran away.. to another country. Not being a particularly crazy person (despite being insane!) this was the craziest thing I had done. We had arrived home from a 'holiday' with the kids and I think I was more tired and stressed than when we started the trip. Remind me, who would have thought that being with a 3yo and 17mth old in a motorhome would be relaxing. Ok so I was not really expecting relaxing, but Lachie did make it his task to be rather difficult for the majority of the trip which had me at breaking point.

I had booked a trip for mum and dad to New Zealand which was due to leave 2 days after we arrived home. On the Wednesday my mind was so fried I wished I could escape with them.. so I would joke with hubby that we should go too.. then the joke became a deep down yearning. I wanted to go!!! Just get away! I remember NZ from the first time we went, and it had a peacefulness that I can not explain. I sat there staring at the flights for a while with my cc details filled in before I thought bugger it, and hit the pay button. Confirmed.. we were going! It was only when I started packing the kids clothes with tears streaming down my face that I thought 'what the hell am I doing'? I am a mum with responsibilities, not to mention every holiday I had ever gone on were booked at least 6 months ahead with everything pre-planned, not 12hours ahead! I howled for the rest of the day and the anxiety attacks were coming back in full swing.. I could not eat, thought I was going to be sick, even called my travel insurance company in the UK to see if it was too late to cancel. But they don't let you cancel on grounds of being a nut case.. so we were going. Hubby did the best thing he could have done to support me and gave me a pep talk.. 'You deserve this, you need this.. it is just 5 nights and the kids will survive without us.. get over it!!!' Don't worry he was not being mean, just working in my best interests.

Even as my alarm went off at about 4am the next morning, I still felt sick and anxious and thought what can I do to keep me off that plane. But there was a little bit of excitement creeping in there too. As we arrived in Christchurch and the fresh clean air of NZ brushed over me, so did a sense of peace. And I did not look back. I felt like me again. I missed the kids, but have to admit I no longer cried over them.. I was happy to hear there voices on the phone but was not longing to get home until we were on our way home. I enjoyed every moment of the holiday and I can now say despite my feelings at the start it was one of the best things I had done for my mental health. I have come home feeling much more grounded, happy, calm! God only knows how long that feeling will last, but I will try and hold onto it for as long as possible. I have taken another step in learning to consider me as an important part of this family that has to come equal first. Still trying to put this in practice, but I am getting better.

We are so very lucky to have wonderful inlaws who could look after my babies, and awesome parents that I love to travel with. I know that running away is often taking the easy way out, but this was not easy! So if you feel you need, drop the guilt for a moment and take an hour, a day, a week off and refresh. The feelings of guilt, anxiety and fear all wore off and I was able to find me, without even trying.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

All my eggs in one big holiday basket

So we are heading off on holidays soon, and I can not tell you how stupidly excited I am. And this is awesome and I can remember a time not so long ago that it was hard to get excited about anything. Only a short holiday, but this is the sort of holiday that my husband and I dreamed of doing as a family, so it is like a little dream come true. Not to mention that some of my fondest memories as a child were the similar holidays we went on as a family, so I get giddy at the thought of embarking on the same with my children. But let me tell you how crazy I am.. a mother dealing with PND and Anxiety and I am trekking off for a week with two toddlers in a motorhome! Such a confined space with a hyperactive and a Velcro child. Yes Beck, that was smart planning to put you straight into the mental asylum.

So now is when the panic starts to set in and I am trying to talk my self around it.. I am trying not to put all my eggs in one basket and have to much weigh on this one trip. My kids are little, so it will be mayhem.. expect it!!! And don't stress when it is. I get anxious at the thought of any of us getting sick on the trip, as this holiday is something I need and the idea of anything ruining it sends me over the edge.

I don't want to come to any ideas that this trip is the make or break of my mental illness, because when it comes down to it, one week away should not make a difference to three years of crazy. So I need to take the pressure off this holiday to deliver something that is can not. I need to not heighten my expectations and just enjoy each day as it comes. This is my holiday as well and I AM going to relax! Now await the post-holiday post to see how well this plan went :)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I am part of an amazing support group via facebook, all fellow PND sufferers, near and far from around the country. I have met some amazing girls and been supported with no questions or pressure. We help each other through the darkest days with no explanation required, because we all understand. Started by an amazing woman that I look up to. Although she struggles just like the rest of us in the group, she is so strong and shows such courage and determination to support those around her. I look forward to meeting her in the near future.

But recently we had one member of the group leave, as she felt that she was in such a good place that she did not need us any more. Like AA or similar, this is one of those groups where not needing to be a 'member' anymore is a good thing. We all said goodbye and although sad to see her leave, we were so happy for her at the same time. But this got me thinking.. at what point are you classed as no longer suffering PND? Feeling good for a week, a month, a year? I can definitely say it takes more than a week, I have had a few good weeks only to fall in the hole just as deep as before. But do you become 'cured' at some point, in remission so to speak? This is something I can't yet answer, but so many times I have questioned how long does this have to last. I hear people saying they suffered for months, years, or have their youngest as kinder aged children and are still suffering.

There is no time limit, every one is different in how they suffer and how long they suffer for. But I guess it is the rollercoaster and not knowing that makes it hard. We all feel down at some point, so when in my life can I class it as just feeling down rather than suffering depression... I hate even saying that word, depression. It feels like such an ugly label. But it is reality, and you would think after this long I would be able to shout it from the roof tops without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I would like to think that later in life, when I am 'cured' I can spend some of my time helping others in need, helping them to find their cure!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

No Fault

So here I could become the stereotypical teen and blame mum and dad for everything! Its all your fault that I have these hang ups and views, that I have labeled my self in certain ways. But I say this with that sarcastic tone that I use too often, because there is no blame. And if it was anyone in the worlds fault that I am crazy, it definitely would not be mum and dad.

One thing you need to know about my mum and dad, is that they are some of my best friends. I like to refer to them as 'my people'. There are a very select number of people that when I am feeling so very low, just having them near makes the sun shine again.. I call these select number of people 'my people'. Back in school it was very uncool to have your folks as you best friends, but it really is awesome! I feel sorry for people who don't have a good relationship with their parents.

My parents always said I was the 'helpful one', the 'easy one', which to all people (including myself) is a compliment.. so this is where my complex of 'aiming to please' has come from. But I don't blame them that this has kinda helped with the crazy, I took this and labeled my self with it. Funny that praise can turn out that way. But I can say that my 50s housewife views and need to control and do everything comes from mum.. and she knows it!! I joke all the time that she has made me crazy, but in fact she was just trying to be the best mum she could be.. so much so that I just wanted to be the same. I wanted to be my mum! So again, no fault mum, in fact take it as a compliment that your daughter has turned her self crazy, just so she could be like you :)

Change for the better?

So how do you change aspects of your self that have always been there? Views that you always had, no matter how much you knew they were not right and not working, but it is how it has always been. I am far from perfect and I am sure I can be a huge pain in the bum, offensive etc.. and not intentionally of course. But in general I aim to please. I hate to be an inconvenience, so I hate to ask for help. I try to avoid stirring the pot.. I am the 'helpful one', the 'easy one'. Yes yes I can hear you laughing, not like village bicycle easy, but maybe easy going. Which is how I have always been, but I can see that its not really working for me now. That's not to say I don't want to be easy going, or I don't want to be helpful... but I think sometimes I need to stamp my feet and cry and be a pain the bum! I have been doing this on the inside for a while now and it needs to come out, because I am driving my self insane. In a very diva type manner, I said to my husband the other day, 'I feel like I am putting my needs on hold and working my self into the ground to keep everyone else here happy, when will someone put their wants aside for a minute and try to make me happy'. Yep, super diva and very selfish sounding, but this was not said in the heat of the moment while screaming.. this was said as tears rolled down my face because I was at the end of my tether and lost. I don't want the world to stop for me.. just for my feelings and happiness to be considered, just a little.

I was asked today, what is my view of a woman's role. And this to me turns into two different questions.. what is the woman's role, and what is my role?? I seem to have these views of a 50s housewife etched into my brain, which I know are not right so I don't expect this of other woman.. Its not the way it should be and it is not the way that I necessarily want it to be. But I seem to have this strange need to work my self into the ground doing everything in the house, and when Hubby helps I feel guilty because it is something that I should have done. Or when I do ask him to help I am asking for a favour.. How is him cooking a meal doing me a favour, he is going to eat it too!! But there is still that eating away that 'I should be doing it'. Women have been fighting so hard for years for equality, so what is it inside of me that fights so hard to put us back. And I WANT equality.. I want us to work as an equal in the house and not feel guilty for it.
So my role as a women.. to do everything to keep everyone else in the house happy. The role of all other woman, finding an equal ground when they can share the workload. Yes, you too can see how this is wrong.

So back to my original question.. How do you change things about you that you have always been? I know this is going to be hard, but it is what I want, and I have to try and find a happy medium along the way.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Perfect... Just the way I am

Ok so I am not quite on board with this, there is still a lot of cover ups and coping mechanisms in place, but I am working towards excepting this. Excepting that I am perfect, just the way I am. That it is all my little imperfections that make me the perfect mum and perfect person. So to become more accepting of my self, I need to take pride in the things that I do that are not perfect, but all together make me who I am..

My god where to start...? I have stretch marks! Not just those from having my kids, but also those from just growing over the years. I also have cellulite.. Yep I admitted it, and anyone who says they don't have any (trying to prove they are perfect), well I don't believe you! I am sure there are people out there who do not, but I am yet to meet one. I try to cover the bits I don't like.. in my aim to appear perfect, but we all know its there! I don't look down on anyone else who has lumps, bumps and gooey bits, so why do I think that people would think any less of me? My clothes range from a size 8 to a size 14. Yep that's right! Size 8 or 10 might be perfect... but I am perfect just the way I am.

I have been know to open a packet of M&Ms of an evening, and eat the whole lot my self. This probably explains the cellulite! But it puts a smile on my face (and maybe another cm on my belly). But I am perfect just the way I am.

I strive for perfection (well at least my idea of perfection). A clean and organised house, freshly baked treats, healthy home cooked meals, and creative hand made items. And I do succeed in doing this, some of the time! Looking around right now my house looks pretty damn clean.. however do not open my cupboards as they are mayhem. My wardrobe is full of 'sky hooks', under my bed lives everything that gets dumped next to it and kicked under when on a cleaning frenzy. At night I don't always clean up the kids toys, they are only going to get them out tomorrow. My craft desk is full of unfinished projects, and the cute cakes I try to make for my kiddies... I can thank Betty Crocker for that! I decorate my self, but the base is all Betty! And tonight's home cooked meal is thanks to the chefs in the Lean Cuisine kitchen (although my husband is heading off to work with a home cooked meal.. made last night!) But I am perfect.. Just the way I am.

I am a lazy recycler.. it depends on my mood weather the empty cereal box gets put in the recycling bin, or if it gets filled with cooking scraps and general rubbish and thrown in the bin. I use my dryer.. in summer! I do not have the space, time or inclination to hang up washing all day every day, especially when my kids easily go though one outfit a day, not including any accidents or major mess ups. And on that note, I like to send my kids out in nice looking clean clothes. However if I dress them and I notice texta or that mornings breakfast up the sleeve, bugger it, I picked it you can wear it! My kids don't have a bath every night of the week.. if they have lazed about the house all day what does it matter. They will have a quick wash before bed! But I am perfect just the way I am!!!

Now I can assure you that I will contradict my self on one or more of the above items over the next few days. I will have a last minute guest and will stress out because there is toys all over the place (the kids are in bed so no excuses). Mothers guilt will set in at the lack of home cooked meals blah blah blah, but I am working on excepting my self as perfect, just the way I am.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Allowing my self to feel

I am happy to say that after after taking another 'nutcase' test, my anxiety levels are lower than the start of last year. A huge reminder to me of how far I have come and a reason to give my self a pat on the back. I stopped fighting and started accepting...

Now I wish I could continue to do this with everything else! But baby steps Beck, remember Rome was not built in a day. My test this time around shows my stress and depression the same if not worse than early last year. Nice! I need to allow my self to feel. I have one setting and that is content. I have far too many rules for my self and don't allow myself to feel the emotions that I have. Everything is bottled up, so it's no wondering I want to scream.. this is my bottle exploding, and when it finally does I am sure it will make a damn big mess!

I am too busy running about trying to do the right thing and keep everything in order, and helping to keep everyone else happy, I am forgetting too much about myself. And then when I do something for my self I feel selfish and guilty. This needs to stop. Heading out for an island holiday by myself might be taking it too far, but I am a person just as much as everyone else in this house.. My expectations of my self are far too high, and in turn I think that everyone else has these same expectations of me. I am sure they don't! I don't expect it of anyone else so why would I think that they expect the same of me... For that I don't need a pat on the back, but maybe a kick up the bum :)

I Am

Another Beautiful song which I am sure was written about me! lol, ok no, but I feel I relate to this so very much... Maybe not on the outside, but definately on the inside.

I am timid
And I am oversensitive
I am a lioness
I am tired and defensive
You take me in your arms
And I fold into you
I have insecurities
You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
I am unpredictable
I am naked
I am vulnerable
I am a woman
I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me, just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy, just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands
I'm asking you to take me just the way that I am

Please lay down your arms
Do you know me?
Make me feel safe from harm

Oh just take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
There'll be no more pretending

Mothers Guilt

Like every mother, I suffer 'Mothers Guilt'. A type of guilt that few men understand, and even those women without kids do not understand. I could say I am envious of those mothers who rarely suffer mothers guilt, but I think they are missing out on an important element and feeling that makes mums those caring, selfless, boo boo fixing people that they are. But as my shrink has now pointed out, my case of mothers guilt is quite sever and I am constantly putting my self down as a mum and as a person. I need to overcome this, as is really is doing me no good. Striving to be the perfect mum and do everything for my kids is wearing me down. It is funny that you have to pay for someone to tell you what is staring you right in the face, but I am too far up the crazy tree to realise it my self! 

My life (like many others) revolves around guilt and trying to find a happy medium in fitting everything in, and it is driving me completely batty. I am frustrated, angry, sad... ready to blow up and burst into tears all at the same time. I try to drag my ass out of bed at an early hour to get work (employed work) done before bubs and hubby wake.. This is to keep my boss happy and allow myself to give MJ the time she so desires once she wakes (If I don't give her this time, guilt sets in). If I am working at the computer MJ will sit at my lap and cry for my attention (now doesn't that make me feel horrible!) This also allows more time for cleaning, cooking, quality time with the children. In a perfect world it does anyone. Each and every day brings its own challenges that generally gets in the way of these things. The kids were difficult so I did not get enough work done.. letting my boss down. My Boss is short staffed and has a tonne of work, so I try to fit extra hours... letting my kids, house and husband down. I have been too weighed down to cook hubby a fresh meal to take to work for dinner so he has to grab a meal a prepared and froze days earlier.. feel like I am letting him down. My house has to be clean when people come over, or I feel like I am failing as a house wife. My kids are badly behaved when we are out of the house.. my failure. I have to be on top of everything, or I FAIL!!! I know this is far from the truth, I am far from perfect, but have this anal need to try and aim for close to perfect in a lot of what I do. This, and running after my kids every need and demand is running me into the ground and I am mentally wreaked.

When my kids cry and winge, I answer there call. When they ask, I give (within reason.. no you can not have chocolate 10mins before tea!). But often everything is dropped to meet their demands. Hence why my youngest is a clingy sooky baby (but oh so cute).. Once again I don't look at this as a personality trait, but wonder if I have been too attentive and made her this way (in which case, I have failed!). My Shrink said today that I should be able to read a magazine while the kids play.. HAHAHAHA, I had to laugh.. I did not realise this was possible for any mother to do?? Do I live outside a normal world where many mums can actually do this, or is this really not possible for many mums out there?? I feel that I need to be always doing something or I feel like a lazy mum. So as you can see, I am my own worst enemy in this battle.. truly I am.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Great Expectations

I have to say that my experience as a parent so far has been amazing, but also disappointing. Not disappointed in my children, maybe disappointed in my self.. in the expectations that I had as a parent. I think I expected more of my self, and therefore more in return. But any mum who does not admit to feeling the same way at some point, sorry but I think you are lying! I feel terrible for saying aloud that I have been disappointed. Oh, I am sorry Rebecca, have the child giving gods not done enough to please you? I don't mean this in any diva type way. Tantrums, Pooy bums and the word NO being thrown in your face are all part of the journey as a parent. I guess I just did not expect such quantity.

I often looked at children in the shopping centre who were completely out of control and thought 'My children will be better disciplined', and yes in some cases that is true. Some children are out of control with parents who seem to be leading by example, and swear like a trooper by the age of 3, and those parents need a smack. But in many cases I now look at some parents and can see that they are well meaning and they do try.. but their best efforts seem to go to waste. I would like to think I am one of those parents. I have the most adorable little boy, who at the same time is completely out of control at times, can throw a tantrum that the most feral child would be jealous of and is already into the back chat before his 3rd birthday. And I keep wondering where I went wrong.. I imagined that all children have their days, but in general rules, discipline, and love would then in return provide a well behaved child.. WRONG!! I tell my self I am not failing in anyway, and I am trying everything in the book. Maybe I am doing something wrong, I am far from perfect, but I am yet to be given some constructive advice on where I am going wrong. However I am sure there are more mothers out there in the same situation.. after all, it is a child's job to make mothers feel like they can not do anything right.. right?

I expected to be a calmer and more laid back mum. I think I was calmer and more laid back before having kids, so expected that this would follow on through motherhood.. WRONG! I imagined making cookies of an afternoon with my kids helping.. this generally results in the decorations being eaten before I can get to them, or tantrums being throw because the kids cant have smartie number 55 because I think they have had far too many already. Most activities result in a tantrum or complete disinterest..

I laugh whenever I see the Woolworths ad on TV with the two kids playing nicely on the mat while mum cooks 'orange pasta' (ie: grated carrot).. This was a picture I once had before.. WRONG! In my house hold I head to the kitchen to start dinner, as I turn my back Lachie smacks MJ over the head, I put him in the corner which results in a mega tantrum that no doubt my neighbours know all about. So with the wonderful tune of screaming in the background I head back to the kitchen, MJ practically attached to my leg as she insists on me holding her ALL the time (this is the same child that hangs off my knees and crys when I try to go to the toilet), so now I have them both crying. Once the storm has cleared and I finally have dinner on the table, trying to find that last bit of energy to smile that I managed to get a relatively healthy meal on the table with veg hidden into the kids fav meal, I then get the 'I don't like this', 'Im not eating tonight', 'I will eat when you turn on my show' (yes, said from my nearly 3yo!).. that's it, I have nothing left to offer, I am mentally tired trying to please. So I continue to laugh at that ad. It is stupid ads like this that put such high expectations into mums. If we don't have that picture at lease once a week, we fail! And this is where I should smack my self for expecting more. Note to all future mums.. Don't have such great expectations. Live by the rule 'prepare for the worse and hope for the best'. I know all kids are not like this, but I know that many are..  am not saying to be negative, but a good sense of humour is definitely required!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Cheer Up Charlie...

Really?! I had not thought of that option, oh Thank You now I can move on and be happy again! Can I just share with you a little secret, telling someone suffering depression to 'Cheer Up' is some of the most unhelpful and somewhat offensive advice you can give.

I hate feeling this way, and don't you think that if I could just 'cheer up' I would? I understand that it is not exactly fun being with a depressed person, remember I hang out with one 24 hours, 7 days a week. But putting aside peoples own thoughts for a moment, and think about how much the said depressed person could really do with your help. Like you would help a person with a broken leg get about.. Just because you can not physically see depression, does not mean it does not deserve just as much help!

Like I said, I don't expect people who have not been there to fully understand. But try and think of it this way, depression is not just an emotion that you can snap out of with a funny joke. It is an illness. Right now I can tell you I feel sad.. lonely and sad. Why? I have no freaking idea, and that makes it 10 times harder to get through it. I can tell you that life with 2 under 3 probably has a lot to do with it, but I can not pin point anything in particular. Life comes in peaks and troughs, and I would like to think of this as one of those troughs. Not like the fun trough you experience on a roller coaster.. but the very depressing trough when you fall down a hole and can't get out. I know I will find light at the end of the tunnel.. but how long is this tunnel? How long does this trough last?

So if you see me or someone in the same position feeling depressed, please do not say 'Cheer up Charlie'... Because I will be fighting the urge to kick you in the shins... :)


I started this blog as a personal outlet for myself. But sharing this has proved to be very valuable to me. This blog is like the equivalent of me stripping down, naked for all to see. Most of these thoughts I just can't seem to share in person. You all know the advice 'picture the audience naked', well this is the opposite.. I am the one who is naked and the audience are all staring at me with the ability to pick at the things I don't want people to see.  Things that I see as imperfect and faults as a mum and a wife.

The support I have received from people reading this has been amazing, and you would not believe how many people have come out of the wood work and admitted facing the same struggles, some past, and some present. It has opened up a support network for not just my self, but others around me. Being able to help someone in the same boat is a wonderful feeling.

I don't want sympathy, but maybe some understanding. I think I believe that unless you have been there your self, you can not fully understand. But maybe some blind understanding.. not why I / they are feeling that way, but understand they are going through a very rough time and just need someone there.. It can make the world of difference!

So thank you, for allowing me to be naked, and not judging me.. but holding my hand.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

In my wildest dreams

You hear about the crazy dreams that can often come with pregnancy. I had some, but can I just say one of the awesome side affects of the meds that I am on, is the most vivid, craziest, whacked out dreams ever. And I love them! I am sure some of my family can recall the crazy dreams that I have told them. It is like living in a wonderland away from my real life, a little escape where anything and everything is possible! But there is no real depression or anxiety. I often wake up with a smile on my face when I recall the world I have just been to.

It is not at all odd for me to singing alongside Pink of an evening, or one time I remember Katy Perry telling me that she could not make it for our normal Wednesday night dinner date, so could we make it lunch instead. we were just going to pop around the corner for a noodle box! After all, this chick has a pretty busy schedule. Strolling through towns that I know, but are not quite the same, meeting old and new friends.. If I was good with art I could easily draw full images of my dreams, they are in that much detail. But not all good, I remember last week my husband and I were dancing through car park and I felt all the amazing emotions you would feel in real life.. We strolled through the shop which appeared to be Safeway, but with so much more (I think the dips were also next to the plant section?).. My hubby was asked to come into the other room for a minute, and I did not see him for days after. I was so worried he has been taken I cried and cried and we tried every avenue to look for him. None of the family seemed all too phased, checking in now and then to see if I had heard from him. Then one night when sitting down to tea he just strolls up the driveway. I ran out and gave him the biggest hug asking what had happened. He said he just popped away to help someone with some work they were doing.. Ahh Hello, where was my phone call? That did not seem to even cross his mind and he could not understand why I was so upset and angry. I think I woke with tears in my eyes.

I am sure if I told my dreams to one of those dream reader shrink people, they would tell me they all mean something (or they would have me committed).. But for now I will just enjoy the crazy that visits me of a night time.. My own little world!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Afraid of my children?

Confusion.. This is one of many perfect words to sum up how I felt. Completely confused about how I felt and why. As much as my babies would make me cry and melt down, in many cases I could not let go of them. I guess this is why there were so many occasions of holding and crying.. both me and the kids! I think I was holding them, but really wanted someone to hold me.

But after seeing my shrink for a bit and trying to unravel and understand where all this anxiety was coming from, both her and my doctor where trying to make me understand a lot of PND comes down to hormonal changes and your mind and body not being able to handle this and the major changes your life is going through. But I needed more.. more of an answer. I needed something concrete that I could work with and help get my head around in a more logical way other than 'hormones'. (Not that I find any of PND particularly logical). But one day we had a breakthrough. You hear about people having a breakthrough with many things in life, but this was amazing. I remember walking out of her office that day with a new lightness about me, a lightness that I had not felt in a very long time. She said to me 'I think your afraid of your children'. My first thoughts here were, ah who is the loony here? But she was right.. And can I say you should feel privileged for me to be sharing this, as I have a lot of trouble admitting this to people.

This is not the sort of afraid like being afraid of spiders.. when my kids walk into a room I do not feel the need to jump behind a chair, or spray them with the nearest chemical I can find (although I will admit hiding behind the bathroom door when Lachie has come looking for me, but this was just so I could do my make up or go to the toilet in peace for a minute or two!) But I think this is more of a subconscious fear. Having no idea what they are going to do, when they are going to do it, and what will come of their actions. Yep this is kids, so why does this send me off?? Well I ended my search for answers here.. I had done enough searching that Dora and I could start a show together. My mind had done enough damage to me for now.. I had something to work with and it was time to start healing. Ok this was nice in theory and I did not wake up the next day 'cured'.. in fact that session was in the first half of 2010, and tomorrow I will still not wake up 'cured'. However this was a major turning point and when I feel an anxiety or panic attack coming on I have a reason to attach to it and can try and talk my self around it.

I still don't understand how I can be afraid of these amazing little creatures. I think it is more afraid that I can not cope or step up and be the best mum I can be when all turns to crap. I think my expectations of my self are far too high, but I know as a mum I am not alone here. But I have survived and think I have done a good job so far, so lets hope remembering this will get me through. This also goes back to the scared of being sick and feeling like I needed adult company at all times when with the kids. Because I was scared that once again if all turned to crap, how would I deal with it if too sick? If I had adult company they could help me in a time of need. These are not thoughts I was really aware of.. but we found them! Thank god we found them! Can't fix it if you can't find it..

Friday, January 7, 2011

Dance.. Like no one is watching

I was one of those kids who loved to lock my self in my room and dance in front of the mirror with my hair brush in hand.. I could let go and just do it because that's what I felt like. Blushing slightly, I still love to do this. Ok to a lesser extent. There is no longer a hair brush in hand, and I don't pretend I am a rock star. But I have rediscovered my love of music. I have found myself blasting my ipod dock and dancing around in my underwear. And can I say there is no better therapy. I don't have to sit there agonising over 'am I doing this right', 'where did I go wrong here', 'why don't I feel this way', or 'why do I feel that way'.. I can just let my hair down and dance the blues away. Have you ever felt like standing in the middle of a field and yelling the loudest expletives possible? Well this is like a more lady like and sane version of that feeling.

I don't care how bad I look, or how bad I sound.. no one is looking!!! It feels like ultimate freedom in my own home. PND can feel very lonely. Even when you are at home in your comfort zone, you can still feel so very uncomfortable and alone. When your own home can not make you feel at ease, where do you turn? It took me a while to appreciate this passion, but now that I have found this again I look forward to those times my hubby just pops out with one of the kids for 5 or when they are in bed, and I can just let go and be me, and there is no questioning.. In fact, I might just head there now!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

So.. Planning on more?

When people ask me about our intentions for number three, the words hell no just fall out of my mouth. Then that stupid guilt pours over.. wondering if people think I regret my kids. I can say with a very quick and firm reply, NO! I do not regret my kids. I would not take them back for the world. It's not entirely their fault that their mum is a loony, they just helped open the door to let the loony out.

But I can not bring my self to do this all over again. I know past PND sufferers do not necessarily suffer with every baby, but I am not yet over this round so the thought of welcoming a 3rd baby scares the shit out of me. If there was not a tiny voice telling me 'what if something happens', I would have my husband lined up for a vasectomy tomorrow. And I have not dismissed this idea totally!! Is it possible to sell your uterus on Ebay? Mine is free to a good home as I have no intentions of using it for any more baby making.

After Lachie, the house was far from empty, but knew that was not 'it', our family was not yet complete. But after welcoming MJ, that complete feeling set in and I knew our family was made. I have no yearning for another (understanding MJ is only 14mths old), and as much as I can look at a newborn and see the lushness they have to offer, I no longer feel clucky. Only clucky to enjoy the future watching my lil babies grow up.

The Crazy Inside

We all know what it is like to lose control of our emotions from time to time, we are all human and given the curve balls that life throws at us I think we have every right. But I had totally lost control of my emotions to the point that I did not know how I felt or why I felt. I could just sit in the car and stare into space, tears in my eyes, and I could not tell you why. But it was not just the feeling of complete lose, it was everything else that came with it that contributed to the spiralling. If you could just have one symptom or craziness to deal with, I think it would be so much easier to overcome. But life was not meant to be easy now was it.

I hated who I was, I was not the mum I imagined.. hell most of us are probably not the people we imagine in that rosie little picture we have in our mind. But I could not even answer why, I thought I had done all the right things to make that rosie picture a reality. I often thought it was some sort of nasty karma for getting what I wanted.. You got your hubby, beautiful boy, beautiful girl, and a picket fence.. now have some depression! I tried so hard to look for answers, but the harder I searched the harder it became. I was frustrated.. I was so used to having an answer and trying to fix everything (I can admit I was not always right, and my attempts to fix sometimes failed) but I had something to work with.. Here, nada, nothing! I wanted to be the best mum I could for my kids, but this was a major black cloud (make that storm) getting in my way.

I can remember at about 11pm one night, Lachie must have been about 7mths old, and he was screaming, yet again, screaming! I tried so hard to console him, but nothing would work. I just held him so tight (I am sure I was squeezing him) and started screaming too.. I was totally losing it. I just lay him on a blanket on the floor and walked away. I had to.. I had to try and calm down so I could help him. I just walked away screaming and crying. Dying to call someone for help as I was home alone. But as usually those destructive thoughts of 'This is not anyone Else's problem', 'I don't want to be a burden on anyone' etc etc, would get in the way and I found it impossible to ask for help. Even now I still don't like to ask for help, so this part of the crazy still exists in me. I would like to say that night was the last time I screamed and cried at my baby, but it wasn't. I would just hold Miss M and cry.. cry so hard.

I resented my children.. I had so much love, but deep deep down I could not help but wonder if it was them causing me to feel this way. I was happy, happy to be having kids, then I had them and EVERYTHING changed. I knew life would change with kids, but I did not think PND would be my change. But I know why it hurt so much, because I loved them so much (and still do of course!).. If I did not care for them It would not hurt and I would not have felt the way I did. Then of course the guilt sets in, that I could feel so sad, so angry and so down at what should be a high and happy point in my life. Where my kids missing out because of how I was? I kept telling my self 'some people have real problems, get over it'.. I felt ashamed of how I felt. I could not share my feelings with people because I did not want them to think any less of me or judge me as a crappy mum who could not hack it... You know If I had just asked for help and leaned on people a bit more to start with, I wonder if we would have skipped all this mayhem. Oh but hey, then you would not have this blog to read now would you!

You know I was that anxious and worried about everything, I stopped drinking sugar free cordial.. yep that's the crazy inside! I felt so unwell that I tried to find every possible answer (still denying PND).. You hear that the additives in 'fake sugar' can do long term damage, so I even went with this theory for a bit to see if that would make a difference. Cuckoo!? So too afraid to leave the house, too afraid to stay home.. I felt like I needed adult company or 'supervision' to get me through the day. Cuckoo!!!??? I think my confidence and independence must have gone out with the placenta.

Although PND is far from the worlds worst problems, it is a very scary place to be and in your darkest times, it can very much feel like the worst... after all, the people who commit suicide from depression and similar illnesses are not necessarily looking for attention, their mind is telling them that there is no other option.. I was never at this point, my kids needed me, and that was always the main point in my mind. Still to this day I am shit scared of ever leaving my kids without their mum. But that's not the crazy talking, that's just the loving mummy wanting to always be there for her kids.. I am working on showing more or that loving mummy rather than the crazy. Ok long post, signing off this one....

Monday, January 3, 2011

All I need.. To my babies

A Beautiful song by Christina Aguilera that I have just discovered.. Although not mine to give, I would like to post this for my babies. Through the very hard times, your beautiful smiles have brought me back. Even in my darkest hours, Love you with all my hearts babes..

All I Need
Kissing your lips, kissing you top to toe
Wishing for this, hoping for all you know
Hearing you breathe, you leave and return
Oh how we take, how we give, we learn
Taking my time, seeing the signs, letting you guide me home
Watching you grow, letting you know you are my only

You bring me hope when I can't breathe
You give me love, you are all I need
Slowly I'm holding you closely
You are wrapped in my arms
And your inside me

I tell you my fears, telling you everything
Telling the truth to you gives me wings
Free with my words, free as a bird
I am flying high
Looking at you, everything new, you are my life

You bring me hope when I can't breathe
And you give me love, you are all I need
Slowly I'm holding you closely
So happy to carry you inside me

I'll feed you love and I hope it's enough to inspire you through suffering
Holding you up

You bring me hope when I can't breathe
You give me love, you are all I need
Slowly Im holding you closely
You are wrapped in my arms
And you are inside me