We all know what it is like to lose control of our emotions from time to time, we are all human and given the curve balls that life throws at us I think we have every right. But I had totally lost control of my emotions to the point that I did not know how I felt or why I felt. I could just sit in the car and stare into space, tears in my eyes, and I could not tell you why. But it was not just the feeling of complete lose, it was everything else that came with it that contributed to the spiralling. If you could just have one symptom or craziness to deal with, I think it would be so much easier to overcome. But life was not meant to be easy now was it.
I hated who I was, I was not the mum I imagined.. hell most of us are probably not the people we imagine in that rosie little picture we have in our mind. But I could not even answer why, I thought I had done all the right things to make that rosie picture a reality. I often thought it was some sort of nasty karma for getting what I wanted.. You got your hubby, beautiful boy, beautiful girl, and a picket fence.. now have some depression! I tried so hard to look for answers, but the harder I searched the harder it became. I was frustrated.. I was so used to having an answer and trying to fix everything (I can admit I was not always right, and my attempts to fix sometimes failed) but I had something to work with.. Here, nada, nothing! I wanted to be the best mum I could for my kids, but this was a major black cloud (make that storm) getting in my way.
I can remember at about 11pm one night, Lachie must have been about 7mths old, and he was screaming, yet again, screaming! I tried so hard to console him, but nothing would work. I just held him so tight (I am sure I was squeezing him) and started screaming too.. I was totally losing it. I just lay him on a blanket on the floor and walked away. I had to.. I had to try and calm down so I could help him. I just walked away screaming and crying. Dying to call someone for help as I was home alone. But as usually those destructive thoughts of 'This is not anyone Else's problem', 'I don't want to be a burden on anyone' etc etc, would get in the way and I found it impossible to ask for help. Even now I still don't like to ask for help, so this part of the crazy still exists in me. I would like to say that night was the last time I screamed and cried at my baby, but it wasn't. I would just hold Miss M and cry.. cry so hard.
I resented my children.. I had so much love, but deep deep down I could not help but wonder if it was them causing me to feel this way. I was happy, happy to be having kids, then I had them and EVERYTHING changed. I knew life would change with kids, but I did not think PND would be my change. But I know why it hurt so much, because I loved them so much (and still do of course!).. If I did not care for them It would not hurt and I would not have felt the way I did. Then of course the guilt sets in, that I could feel so sad, so angry and so down at what should be a high and happy point in my life. Where my kids missing out because of how I was? I kept telling my self 'some people have real problems, get over it'.. I felt ashamed of how I felt. I could not share my feelings with people because I did not want them to think any less of me or judge me as a crappy mum who could not hack it... You know If I had just asked for help and leaned on people a bit more to start with, I wonder if we would have skipped all this mayhem. Oh but hey, then you would not have this blog to read now would you!
You know I was that anxious and worried about everything, I stopped drinking sugar free cordial.. yep that's the crazy inside! I felt so unwell that I tried to find every possible answer (still denying PND).. You hear that the additives in 'fake sugar' can do long term damage, so I even went with this theory for a bit to see if that would make a difference. Cuckoo!? So too afraid to leave the house, too afraid to stay home.. I felt like I needed adult company or 'supervision' to get me through the day. Cuckoo!!!??? I think my confidence and independence must have gone out with the placenta.
Although PND is far from the worlds worst problems, it is a very scary place to be and in your darkest times, it can very much feel like the worst... after all, the people who commit suicide from depression and similar illnesses are not necessarily looking for attention, their mind is telling them that there is no other option.. I was never at this point, my kids needed me, and that was always the main point in my mind. Still to this day I am shit scared of ever leaving my kids without their mum. But that's not the crazy talking, that's just the loving mummy wanting to always be there for her kids.. I am working on showing more or that loving mummy rather than the crazy. Ok long post, signing off this one....