This is the life of me, here and now. Wife, Mum of two beautiful ratbags, and trying to find me in there somewhere too! Blogging the thoughts and journey through PND that has me where I am today. This is the life of my Happy (and sometimes not so happy) Mayhem..

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Cheer Up Charlie...

Really?! I had not thought of that option, oh Thank You now I can move on and be happy again! Can I just share with you a little secret, telling someone suffering depression to 'Cheer Up' is some of the most unhelpful and somewhat offensive advice you can give.

I hate feeling this way, and don't you think that if I could just 'cheer up' I would? I understand that it is not exactly fun being with a depressed person, remember I hang out with one 24 hours, 7 days a week. But putting aside peoples own thoughts for a moment, and think about how much the said depressed person could really do with your help. Like you would help a person with a broken leg get about.. Just because you can not physically see depression, does not mean it does not deserve just as much help!

Like I said, I don't expect people who have not been there to fully understand. But try and think of it this way, depression is not just an emotion that you can snap out of with a funny joke. It is an illness. Right now I can tell you I feel sad.. lonely and sad. Why? I have no freaking idea, and that makes it 10 times harder to get through it. I can tell you that life with 2 under 3 probably has a lot to do with it, but I can not pin point anything in particular. Life comes in peaks and troughs, and I would like to think of this as one of those troughs. Not like the fun trough you experience on a roller coaster.. but the very depressing trough when you fall down a hole and can't get out. I know I will find light at the end of the tunnel.. but how long is this tunnel? How long does this trough last?

So if you see me or someone in the same position feeling depressed, please do not say 'Cheer up Charlie'... Because I will be fighting the urge to kick you in the shins... :)


I started this blog as a personal outlet for myself. But sharing this has proved to be very valuable to me. This blog is like the equivalent of me stripping down, naked for all to see. Most of these thoughts I just can't seem to share in person. You all know the advice 'picture the audience naked', well this is the opposite.. I am the one who is naked and the audience are all staring at me with the ability to pick at the things I don't want people to see.  Things that I see as imperfect and faults as a mum and a wife.

The support I have received from people reading this has been amazing, and you would not believe how many people have come out of the wood work and admitted facing the same struggles, some past, and some present. It has opened up a support network for not just my self, but others around me. Being able to help someone in the same boat is a wonderful feeling.

I don't want sympathy, but maybe some understanding. I think I believe that unless you have been there your self, you can not fully understand. But maybe some blind understanding.. not why I / they are feeling that way, but understand they are going through a very rough time and just need someone there.. It can make the world of difference!

So thank you, for allowing me to be naked, and not judging me.. but holding my hand.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

In my wildest dreams

You hear about the crazy dreams that can often come with pregnancy. I had some, but can I just say one of the awesome side affects of the meds that I am on, is the most vivid, craziest, whacked out dreams ever. And I love them! I am sure some of my family can recall the crazy dreams that I have told them. It is like living in a wonderland away from my real life, a little escape where anything and everything is possible! But there is no real depression or anxiety. I often wake up with a smile on my face when I recall the world I have just been to.

It is not at all odd for me to singing alongside Pink of an evening, or one time I remember Katy Perry telling me that she could not make it for our normal Wednesday night dinner date, so could we make it lunch instead. we were just going to pop around the corner for a noodle box! After all, this chick has a pretty busy schedule. Strolling through towns that I know, but are not quite the same, meeting old and new friends.. If I was good with art I could easily draw full images of my dreams, they are in that much detail. But not all good, I remember last week my husband and I were dancing through car park and I felt all the amazing emotions you would feel in real life.. We strolled through the shop which appeared to be Safeway, but with so much more (I think the dips were also next to the plant section?).. My hubby was asked to come into the other room for a minute, and I did not see him for days after. I was so worried he has been taken I cried and cried and we tried every avenue to look for him. None of the family seemed all too phased, checking in now and then to see if I had heard from him. Then one night when sitting down to tea he just strolls up the driveway. I ran out and gave him the biggest hug asking what had happened. He said he just popped away to help someone with some work they were doing.. Ahh Hello, where was my phone call? That did not seem to even cross his mind and he could not understand why I was so upset and angry. I think I woke with tears in my eyes.

I am sure if I told my dreams to one of those dream reader shrink people, they would tell me they all mean something (or they would have me committed).. But for now I will just enjoy the crazy that visits me of a night time.. My own little world!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Afraid of my children?

Confusion.. This is one of many perfect words to sum up how I felt. Completely confused about how I felt and why. As much as my babies would make me cry and melt down, in many cases I could not let go of them. I guess this is why there were so many occasions of holding and crying.. both me and the kids! I think I was holding them, but really wanted someone to hold me.

But after seeing my shrink for a bit and trying to unravel and understand where all this anxiety was coming from, both her and my doctor where trying to make me understand a lot of PND comes down to hormonal changes and your mind and body not being able to handle this and the major changes your life is going through. But I needed more.. more of an answer. I needed something concrete that I could work with and help get my head around in a more logical way other than 'hormones'. (Not that I find any of PND particularly logical). But one day we had a breakthrough. You hear about people having a breakthrough with many things in life, but this was amazing. I remember walking out of her office that day with a new lightness about me, a lightness that I had not felt in a very long time. She said to me 'I think your afraid of your children'. My first thoughts here were, ah who is the loony here? But she was right.. And can I say you should feel privileged for me to be sharing this, as I have a lot of trouble admitting this to people.

This is not the sort of afraid like being afraid of spiders.. when my kids walk into a room I do not feel the need to jump behind a chair, or spray them with the nearest chemical I can find (although I will admit hiding behind the bathroom door when Lachie has come looking for me, but this was just so I could do my make up or go to the toilet in peace for a minute or two!) But I think this is more of a subconscious fear. Having no idea what they are going to do, when they are going to do it, and what will come of their actions. Yep this is kids, so why does this send me off?? Well I ended my search for answers here.. I had done enough searching that Dora and I could start a show together. My mind had done enough damage to me for now.. I had something to work with and it was time to start healing. Ok this was nice in theory and I did not wake up the next day 'cured'.. in fact that session was in the first half of 2010, and tomorrow I will still not wake up 'cured'. However this was a major turning point and when I feel an anxiety or panic attack coming on I have a reason to attach to it and can try and talk my self around it.

I still don't understand how I can be afraid of these amazing little creatures. I think it is more afraid that I can not cope or step up and be the best mum I can be when all turns to crap. I think my expectations of my self are far too high, but I know as a mum I am not alone here. But I have survived and think I have done a good job so far, so lets hope remembering this will get me through. This also goes back to the scared of being sick and feeling like I needed adult company at all times when with the kids. Because I was scared that once again if all turned to crap, how would I deal with it if too sick? If I had adult company they could help me in a time of need. These are not thoughts I was really aware of.. but we found them! Thank god we found them! Can't fix it if you can't find it..

Friday, January 7, 2011

Dance.. Like no one is watching

I was one of those kids who loved to lock my self in my room and dance in front of the mirror with my hair brush in hand.. I could let go and just do it because that's what I felt like. Blushing slightly, I still love to do this. Ok to a lesser extent. There is no longer a hair brush in hand, and I don't pretend I am a rock star. But I have rediscovered my love of music. I have found myself blasting my ipod dock and dancing around in my underwear. And can I say there is no better therapy. I don't have to sit there agonising over 'am I doing this right', 'where did I go wrong here', 'why don't I feel this way', or 'why do I feel that way'.. I can just let my hair down and dance the blues away. Have you ever felt like standing in the middle of a field and yelling the loudest expletives possible? Well this is like a more lady like and sane version of that feeling.

I don't care how bad I look, or how bad I sound.. no one is looking!!! It feels like ultimate freedom in my own home. PND can feel very lonely. Even when you are at home in your comfort zone, you can still feel so very uncomfortable and alone. When your own home can not make you feel at ease, where do you turn? It took me a while to appreciate this passion, but now that I have found this again I look forward to those times my hubby just pops out with one of the kids for 5 or when they are in bed, and I can just let go and be me, and there is no questioning.. In fact, I might just head there now!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

So.. Planning on more?

When people ask me about our intentions for number three, the words hell no just fall out of my mouth. Then that stupid guilt pours over.. wondering if people think I regret my kids. I can say with a very quick and firm reply, NO! I do not regret my kids. I would not take them back for the world. It's not entirely their fault that their mum is a loony, they just helped open the door to let the loony out.

But I can not bring my self to do this all over again. I know past PND sufferers do not necessarily suffer with every baby, but I am not yet over this round so the thought of welcoming a 3rd baby scares the shit out of me. If there was not a tiny voice telling me 'what if something happens', I would have my husband lined up for a vasectomy tomorrow. And I have not dismissed this idea totally!! Is it possible to sell your uterus on Ebay? Mine is free to a good home as I have no intentions of using it for any more baby making.

After Lachie, the house was far from empty, but knew that was not 'it', our family was not yet complete. But after welcoming MJ, that complete feeling set in and I knew our family was made. I have no yearning for another (understanding MJ is only 14mths old), and as much as I can look at a newborn and see the lushness they have to offer, I no longer feel clucky. Only clucky to enjoy the future watching my lil babies grow up.

The Crazy Inside

We all know what it is like to lose control of our emotions from time to time, we are all human and given the curve balls that life throws at us I think we have every right. But I had totally lost control of my emotions to the point that I did not know how I felt or why I felt. I could just sit in the car and stare into space, tears in my eyes, and I could not tell you why. But it was not just the feeling of complete lose, it was everything else that came with it that contributed to the spiralling. If you could just have one symptom or craziness to deal with, I think it would be so much easier to overcome. But life was not meant to be easy now was it.

I hated who I was, I was not the mum I imagined.. hell most of us are probably not the people we imagine in that rosie little picture we have in our mind. But I could not even answer why, I thought I had done all the right things to make that rosie picture a reality. I often thought it was some sort of nasty karma for getting what I wanted.. You got your hubby, beautiful boy, beautiful girl, and a picket fence.. now have some depression! I tried so hard to look for answers, but the harder I searched the harder it became. I was frustrated.. I was so used to having an answer and trying to fix everything (I can admit I was not always right, and my attempts to fix sometimes failed) but I had something to work with.. Here, nada, nothing! I wanted to be the best mum I could for my kids, but this was a major black cloud (make that storm) getting in my way.

I can remember at about 11pm one night, Lachie must have been about 7mths old, and he was screaming, yet again, screaming! I tried so hard to console him, but nothing would work. I just held him so tight (I am sure I was squeezing him) and started screaming too.. I was totally losing it. I just lay him on a blanket on the floor and walked away. I had to.. I had to try and calm down so I could help him. I just walked away screaming and crying. Dying to call someone for help as I was home alone. But as usually those destructive thoughts of 'This is not anyone Else's problem', 'I don't want to be a burden on anyone' etc etc, would get in the way and I found it impossible to ask for help. Even now I still don't like to ask for help, so this part of the crazy still exists in me. I would like to say that night was the last time I screamed and cried at my baby, but it wasn't. I would just hold Miss M and cry.. cry so hard.

I resented my children.. I had so much love, but deep deep down I could not help but wonder if it was them causing me to feel this way. I was happy, happy to be having kids, then I had them and EVERYTHING changed. I knew life would change with kids, but I did not think PND would be my change. But I know why it hurt so much, because I loved them so much (and still do of course!).. If I did not care for them It would not hurt and I would not have felt the way I did. Then of course the guilt sets in, that I could feel so sad, so angry and so down at what should be a high and happy point in my life. Where my kids missing out because of how I was? I kept telling my self 'some people have real problems, get over it'.. I felt ashamed of how I felt. I could not share my feelings with people because I did not want them to think any less of me or judge me as a crappy mum who could not hack it... You know If I had just asked for help and leaned on people a bit more to start with, I wonder if we would have skipped all this mayhem. Oh but hey, then you would not have this blog to read now would you!

You know I was that anxious and worried about everything, I stopped drinking sugar free cordial.. yep that's the crazy inside! I felt so unwell that I tried to find every possible answer (still denying PND).. You hear that the additives in 'fake sugar' can do long term damage, so I even went with this theory for a bit to see if that would make a difference. Cuckoo!? So too afraid to leave the house, too afraid to stay home.. I felt like I needed adult company or 'supervision' to get me through the day. Cuckoo!!!??? I think my confidence and independence must have gone out with the placenta.

Although PND is far from the worlds worst problems, it is a very scary place to be and in your darkest times, it can very much feel like the worst... after all, the people who commit suicide from depression and similar illnesses are not necessarily looking for attention, their mind is telling them that there is no other option.. I was never at this point, my kids needed me, and that was always the main point in my mind. Still to this day I am shit scared of ever leaving my kids without their mum. But that's not the crazy talking, that's just the loving mummy wanting to always be there for her kids.. I am working on showing more or that loving mummy rather than the crazy. Ok long post, signing off this one....

Monday, January 3, 2011

All I need.. To my babies

A Beautiful song by Christina Aguilera that I have just discovered.. Although not mine to give, I would like to post this for my babies. Through the very hard times, your beautiful smiles have brought me back. Even in my darkest hours, Love you with all my hearts babes..

All I Need
Kissing your lips, kissing you top to toe
Wishing for this, hoping for all you know
Hearing you breathe, you leave and return
Oh how we take, how we give, we learn
Taking my time, seeing the signs, letting you guide me home
Watching you grow, letting you know you are my only

You bring me hope when I can't breathe
You give me love, you are all I need
Slowly I'm holding you closely
You are wrapped in my arms
And your inside me

I tell you my fears, telling you everything
Telling the truth to you gives me wings
Free with my words, free as a bird
I am flying high
Looking at you, everything new, you are my life

You bring me hope when I can't breathe
And you give me love, you are all I need
Slowly I'm holding you closely
So happy to carry you inside me

I'll feed you love and I hope it's enough to inspire you through suffering
Holding you up

You bring me hope when I can't breathe
You give me love, you are all I need
Slowly Im holding you closely
You are wrapped in my arms
And you are inside me