Confusion.. This is one of many perfect words to sum up how I felt. Completely confused about how I felt and why. As much as my babies would make me cry and melt down, in many cases I could not let go of them. I guess this is why there were so many occasions of holding and crying.. both me and the kids! I think I was holding them, but really wanted someone to hold me.
But after seeing my shrink for a bit and trying to unravel and understand where all this anxiety was coming from, both her and my doctor where trying to make me understand a lot of PND comes down to hormonal changes and your mind and body not being able to handle this and the major changes your life is going through. But I needed more.. more of an answer. I needed something concrete that I could work with and help get my head around in a more logical way other than 'hormones'. (Not that I find any of PND particularly logical). But one day we had a breakthrough. You hear about people having a breakthrough with many things in life, but this was amazing. I remember walking out of her office that day with a new lightness about me, a lightness that I had not felt in a very long time. She said to me 'I think your afraid of your children'. My first thoughts here were, ah who is the loony here? But she was right.. And can I say you should feel privileged for me to be sharing this, as I have a lot of trouble admitting this to people.
This is not the sort of afraid like being afraid of spiders.. when my kids walk into a room I do not feel the need to jump behind a chair, or spray them with the nearest chemical I can find (although I will admit hiding behind the bathroom door when Lachie has come looking for me, but this was just so I could do my make up or go to the toilet in peace for a minute or two!) But I think this is more of a subconscious fear. Having no idea what they are going to do, when they are going to do it, and what will come of their actions. Yep this is kids, so why does this send me off?? Well I ended my search for answers here.. I had done enough searching that Dora and I could start a show together. My mind had done enough damage to me for now.. I had something to work with and it was time to start healing. Ok this was nice in theory and I did not wake up the next day 'cured'.. in fact that session was in the first half of 2010, and tomorrow I will still not wake up 'cured'. However this was a major turning point and when I feel an anxiety or panic attack coming on I have a reason to attach to it and can try and talk my self around it.
I still don't understand how I can be afraid of these amazing little creatures. I think it is more afraid that I can not cope or step up and be the best mum I can be when all turns to crap. I think my expectations of my self are far too high, but I know as a mum I am not alone here. But I have survived and think I have done a good job so far, so lets hope remembering this will get me through. This also goes back to the scared of being sick and feeling like I needed adult company at all times when with the kids. Because I was scared that once again if all turned to crap, how would I deal with it if too sick? If I had adult company they could help me in a time of need. These are not thoughts I was really aware of.. but we found them! Thank god we found them! Can't fix it if you can't find it..