This is the life of me, here and now. Wife, Mum of two beautiful ratbags, and trying to find me in there somewhere too! Blogging the thoughts and journey through PND that has me where I am today. This is the life of my Happy (and sometimes not so happy) Mayhem..

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

All my eggs in one big holiday basket

So we are heading off on holidays soon, and I can not tell you how stupidly excited I am. And this is awesome and I can remember a time not so long ago that it was hard to get excited about anything. Only a short holiday, but this is the sort of holiday that my husband and I dreamed of doing as a family, so it is like a little dream come true. Not to mention that some of my fondest memories as a child were the similar holidays we went on as a family, so I get giddy at the thought of embarking on the same with my children. But let me tell you how crazy I am.. a mother dealing with PND and Anxiety and I am trekking off for a week with two toddlers in a motorhome! Such a confined space with a hyperactive and a Velcro child. Yes Beck, that was smart planning to put you straight into the mental asylum.

So now is when the panic starts to set in and I am trying to talk my self around it.. I am trying not to put all my eggs in one basket and have to much weigh on this one trip. My kids are little, so it will be mayhem.. expect it!!! And don't stress when it is. I get anxious at the thought of any of us getting sick on the trip, as this holiday is something I need and the idea of anything ruining it sends me over the edge.

I don't want to come to any ideas that this trip is the make or break of my mental illness, because when it comes down to it, one week away should not make a difference to three years of crazy. So I need to take the pressure off this holiday to deliver something that is can not. I need to not heighten my expectations and just enjoy each day as it comes. This is my holiday as well and I AM going to relax! Now await the post-holiday post to see how well this plan went :)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I am part of an amazing support group via facebook, all fellow PND sufferers, near and far from around the country. I have met some amazing girls and been supported with no questions or pressure. We help each other through the darkest days with no explanation required, because we all understand. Started by an amazing woman that I look up to. Although she struggles just like the rest of us in the group, she is so strong and shows such courage and determination to support those around her. I look forward to meeting her in the near future.

But recently we had one member of the group leave, as she felt that she was in such a good place that she did not need us any more. Like AA or similar, this is one of those groups where not needing to be a 'member' anymore is a good thing. We all said goodbye and although sad to see her leave, we were so happy for her at the same time. But this got me thinking.. at what point are you classed as no longer suffering PND? Feeling good for a week, a month, a year? I can definitely say it takes more than a week, I have had a few good weeks only to fall in the hole just as deep as before. But do you become 'cured' at some point, in remission so to speak? This is something I can't yet answer, but so many times I have questioned how long does this have to last. I hear people saying they suffered for months, years, or have their youngest as kinder aged children and are still suffering.

There is no time limit, every one is different in how they suffer and how long they suffer for. But I guess it is the rollercoaster and not knowing that makes it hard. We all feel down at some point, so when in my life can I class it as just feeling down rather than suffering depression... I hate even saying that word, depression. It feels like such an ugly label. But it is reality, and you would think after this long I would be able to shout it from the roof tops without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I would like to think that later in life, when I am 'cured' I can spend some of my time helping others in need, helping them to find their cure!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

No Fault

So here I could become the stereotypical teen and blame mum and dad for everything! Its all your fault that I have these hang ups and views, that I have labeled my self in certain ways. But I say this with that sarcastic tone that I use too often, because there is no blame. And if it was anyone in the worlds fault that I am crazy, it definitely would not be mum and dad.

One thing you need to know about my mum and dad, is that they are some of my best friends. I like to refer to them as 'my people'. There are a very select number of people that when I am feeling so very low, just having them near makes the sun shine again.. I call these select number of people 'my people'. Back in school it was very uncool to have your folks as you best friends, but it really is awesome! I feel sorry for people who don't have a good relationship with their parents.

My parents always said I was the 'helpful one', the 'easy one', which to all people (including myself) is a compliment.. so this is where my complex of 'aiming to please' has come from. But I don't blame them that this has kinda helped with the crazy, I took this and labeled my self with it. Funny that praise can turn out that way. But I can say that my 50s housewife views and need to control and do everything comes from mum.. and she knows it!! I joke all the time that she has made me crazy, but in fact she was just trying to be the best mum she could be.. so much so that I just wanted to be the same. I wanted to be my mum! So again, no fault mum, in fact take it as a compliment that your daughter has turned her self crazy, just so she could be like you :)

Change for the better?

So how do you change aspects of your self that have always been there? Views that you always had, no matter how much you knew they were not right and not working, but it is how it has always been. I am far from perfect and I am sure I can be a huge pain in the bum, offensive etc.. and not intentionally of course. But in general I aim to please. I hate to be an inconvenience, so I hate to ask for help. I try to avoid stirring the pot.. I am the 'helpful one', the 'easy one'. Yes yes I can hear you laughing, not like village bicycle easy, but maybe easy going. Which is how I have always been, but I can see that its not really working for me now. That's not to say I don't want to be easy going, or I don't want to be helpful... but I think sometimes I need to stamp my feet and cry and be a pain the bum! I have been doing this on the inside for a while now and it needs to come out, because I am driving my self insane. In a very diva type manner, I said to my husband the other day, 'I feel like I am putting my needs on hold and working my self into the ground to keep everyone else here happy, when will someone put their wants aside for a minute and try to make me happy'. Yep, super diva and very selfish sounding, but this was not said in the heat of the moment while screaming.. this was said as tears rolled down my face because I was at the end of my tether and lost. I don't want the world to stop for me.. just for my feelings and happiness to be considered, just a little.

I was asked today, what is my view of a woman's role. And this to me turns into two different questions.. what is the woman's role, and what is my role?? I seem to have these views of a 50s housewife etched into my brain, which I know are not right so I don't expect this of other woman.. Its not the way it should be and it is not the way that I necessarily want it to be. But I seem to have this strange need to work my self into the ground doing everything in the house, and when Hubby helps I feel guilty because it is something that I should have done. Or when I do ask him to help I am asking for a favour.. How is him cooking a meal doing me a favour, he is going to eat it too!! But there is still that eating away that 'I should be doing it'. Women have been fighting so hard for years for equality, so what is it inside of me that fights so hard to put us back. And I WANT equality.. I want us to work as an equal in the house and not feel guilty for it.
So my role as a women.. to do everything to keep everyone else in the house happy. The role of all other woman, finding an equal ground when they can share the workload. Yes, you too can see how this is wrong.

So back to my original question.. How do you change things about you that you have always been? I know this is going to be hard, but it is what I want, and I have to try and find a happy medium along the way.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Perfect... Just the way I am

Ok so I am not quite on board with this, there is still a lot of cover ups and coping mechanisms in place, but I am working towards excepting this. Excepting that I am perfect, just the way I am. That it is all my little imperfections that make me the perfect mum and perfect person. So to become more accepting of my self, I need to take pride in the things that I do that are not perfect, but all together make me who I am..

My god where to start...? I have stretch marks! Not just those from having my kids, but also those from just growing over the years. I also have cellulite.. Yep I admitted it, and anyone who says they don't have any (trying to prove they are perfect), well I don't believe you! I am sure there are people out there who do not, but I am yet to meet one. I try to cover the bits I don't like.. in my aim to appear perfect, but we all know its there! I don't look down on anyone else who has lumps, bumps and gooey bits, so why do I think that people would think any less of me? My clothes range from a size 8 to a size 14. Yep that's right! Size 8 or 10 might be perfect... but I am perfect just the way I am.

I have been know to open a packet of M&Ms of an evening, and eat the whole lot my self. This probably explains the cellulite! But it puts a smile on my face (and maybe another cm on my belly). But I am perfect just the way I am.

I strive for perfection (well at least my idea of perfection). A clean and organised house, freshly baked treats, healthy home cooked meals, and creative hand made items. And I do succeed in doing this, some of the time! Looking around right now my house looks pretty damn clean.. however do not open my cupboards as they are mayhem. My wardrobe is full of 'sky hooks', under my bed lives everything that gets dumped next to it and kicked under when on a cleaning frenzy. At night I don't always clean up the kids toys, they are only going to get them out tomorrow. My craft desk is full of unfinished projects, and the cute cakes I try to make for my kiddies... I can thank Betty Crocker for that! I decorate my self, but the base is all Betty! And tonight's home cooked meal is thanks to the chefs in the Lean Cuisine kitchen (although my husband is heading off to work with a home cooked meal.. made last night!) But I am perfect.. Just the way I am.

I am a lazy recycler.. it depends on my mood weather the empty cereal box gets put in the recycling bin, or if it gets filled with cooking scraps and general rubbish and thrown in the bin. I use my dryer.. in summer! I do not have the space, time or inclination to hang up washing all day every day, especially when my kids easily go though one outfit a day, not including any accidents or major mess ups. And on that note, I like to send my kids out in nice looking clean clothes. However if I dress them and I notice texta or that mornings breakfast up the sleeve, bugger it, I picked it you can wear it! My kids don't have a bath every night of the week.. if they have lazed about the house all day what does it matter. They will have a quick wash before bed! But I am perfect just the way I am!!!

Now I can assure you that I will contradict my self on one or more of the above items over the next few days. I will have a last minute guest and will stress out because there is toys all over the place (the kids are in bed so no excuses). Mothers guilt will set in at the lack of home cooked meals blah blah blah, but I am working on excepting my self as perfect, just the way I am.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Allowing my self to feel

I am happy to say that after after taking another 'nutcase' test, my anxiety levels are lower than the start of last year. A huge reminder to me of how far I have come and a reason to give my self a pat on the back. I stopped fighting and started accepting...

Now I wish I could continue to do this with everything else! But baby steps Beck, remember Rome was not built in a day. My test this time around shows my stress and depression the same if not worse than early last year. Nice! I need to allow my self to feel. I have one setting and that is content. I have far too many rules for my self and don't allow myself to feel the emotions that I have. Everything is bottled up, so it's no wondering I want to scream.. this is my bottle exploding, and when it finally does I am sure it will make a damn big mess!

I am too busy running about trying to do the right thing and keep everything in order, and helping to keep everyone else happy, I am forgetting too much about myself. And then when I do something for my self I feel selfish and guilty. This needs to stop. Heading out for an island holiday by myself might be taking it too far, but I am a person just as much as everyone else in this house.. My expectations of my self are far too high, and in turn I think that everyone else has these same expectations of me. I am sure they don't! I don't expect it of anyone else so why would I think that they expect the same of me... For that I don't need a pat on the back, but maybe a kick up the bum :)

I Am

Another Beautiful song which I am sure was written about me! lol, ok no, but I feel I relate to this so very much... Maybe not on the outside, but definately on the inside.

I am timid
And I am oversensitive
I am a lioness
I am tired and defensive
You take me in your arms
And I fold into you
I have insecurities
You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
I am unpredictable
I am naked
I am vulnerable
I am a woman
I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me, just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy, just need you to see me
Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands
I'm asking you to take me just the way that I am

Please lay down your arms
Do you know me?
Make me feel safe from harm

Oh just take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental
And I have imperfections
And I am emotional
There'll be no more pretending

Mothers Guilt

Like every mother, I suffer 'Mothers Guilt'. A type of guilt that few men understand, and even those women without kids do not understand. I could say I am envious of those mothers who rarely suffer mothers guilt, but I think they are missing out on an important element and feeling that makes mums those caring, selfless, boo boo fixing people that they are. But as my shrink has now pointed out, my case of mothers guilt is quite sever and I am constantly putting my self down as a mum and as a person. I need to overcome this, as is really is doing me no good. Striving to be the perfect mum and do everything for my kids is wearing me down. It is funny that you have to pay for someone to tell you what is staring you right in the face, but I am too far up the crazy tree to realise it my self! 

My life (like many others) revolves around guilt and trying to find a happy medium in fitting everything in, and it is driving me completely batty. I am frustrated, angry, sad... ready to blow up and burst into tears all at the same time. I try to drag my ass out of bed at an early hour to get work (employed work) done before bubs and hubby wake.. This is to keep my boss happy and allow myself to give MJ the time she so desires once she wakes (If I don't give her this time, guilt sets in). If I am working at the computer MJ will sit at my lap and cry for my attention (now doesn't that make me feel horrible!) This also allows more time for cleaning, cooking, quality time with the children. In a perfect world it does anyone. Each and every day brings its own challenges that generally gets in the way of these things. The kids were difficult so I did not get enough work done.. letting my boss down. My Boss is short staffed and has a tonne of work, so I try to fit extra hours... letting my kids, house and husband down. I have been too weighed down to cook hubby a fresh meal to take to work for dinner so he has to grab a meal a prepared and froze days earlier.. feel like I am letting him down. My house has to be clean when people come over, or I feel like I am failing as a house wife. My kids are badly behaved when we are out of the house.. my failure. I have to be on top of everything, or I FAIL!!! I know this is far from the truth, I am far from perfect, but have this anal need to try and aim for close to perfect in a lot of what I do. This, and running after my kids every need and demand is running me into the ground and I am mentally wreaked.

When my kids cry and winge, I answer there call. When they ask, I give (within reason.. no you can not have chocolate 10mins before tea!). But often everything is dropped to meet their demands. Hence why my youngest is a clingy sooky baby (but oh so cute).. Once again I don't look at this as a personality trait, but wonder if I have been too attentive and made her this way (in which case, I have failed!). My Shrink said today that I should be able to read a magazine while the kids play.. HAHAHAHA, I had to laugh.. I did not realise this was possible for any mother to do?? Do I live outside a normal world where many mums can actually do this, or is this really not possible for many mums out there?? I feel that I need to be always doing something or I feel like a lazy mum. So as you can see, I am my own worst enemy in this battle.. truly I am.