This is the life of me, here and now. Wife, Mum of two beautiful ratbags, and trying to find me in there somewhere too! Blogging the thoughts and journey through PND that has me where I am today. This is the life of my Happy (and sometimes not so happy) Mayhem..

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Change for the better?

So how do you change aspects of your self that have always been there? Views that you always had, no matter how much you knew they were not right and not working, but it is how it has always been. I am far from perfect and I am sure I can be a huge pain in the bum, offensive etc.. and not intentionally of course. But in general I aim to please. I hate to be an inconvenience, so I hate to ask for help. I try to avoid stirring the pot.. I am the 'helpful one', the 'easy one'. Yes yes I can hear you laughing, not like village bicycle easy, but maybe easy going. Which is how I have always been, but I can see that its not really working for me now. That's not to say I don't want to be easy going, or I don't want to be helpful... but I think sometimes I need to stamp my feet and cry and be a pain the bum! I have been doing this on the inside for a while now and it needs to come out, because I am driving my self insane. In a very diva type manner, I said to my husband the other day, 'I feel like I am putting my needs on hold and working my self into the ground to keep everyone else here happy, when will someone put their wants aside for a minute and try to make me happy'. Yep, super diva and very selfish sounding, but this was not said in the heat of the moment while screaming.. this was said as tears rolled down my face because I was at the end of my tether and lost. I don't want the world to stop for me.. just for my feelings and happiness to be considered, just a little.

I was asked today, what is my view of a woman's role. And this to me turns into two different questions.. what is the woman's role, and what is my role?? I seem to have these views of a 50s housewife etched into my brain, which I know are not right so I don't expect this of other woman.. Its not the way it should be and it is not the way that I necessarily want it to be. But I seem to have this strange need to work my self into the ground doing everything in the house, and when Hubby helps I feel guilty because it is something that I should have done. Or when I do ask him to help I am asking for a favour.. How is him cooking a meal doing me a favour, he is going to eat it too!! But there is still that eating away that 'I should be doing it'. Women have been fighting so hard for years for equality, so what is it inside of me that fights so hard to put us back. And I WANT equality.. I want us to work as an equal in the house and not feel guilty for it.
So my role as a women.. to do everything to keep everyone else in the house happy. The role of all other woman, finding an equal ground when they can share the workload. Yes, you too can see how this is wrong.

So back to my original question.. How do you change things about you that you have always been? I know this is going to be hard, but it is what I want, and I have to try and find a happy medium along the way.

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