Like every mother, I suffer 'Mothers Guilt'. A type of guilt that few men understand, and even those women without kids do not understand. I could say I am envious of those mothers who rarely suffer mothers guilt, but I think they are missing out on an important element and feeling that makes mums those caring, selfless, boo boo fixing people that they are. But as my shrink has now pointed out, my case of mothers guilt is quite sever and I am constantly putting my self down as a mum and as a person. I need to overcome this, as is really is doing me no good. Striving to be the perfect mum and do everything for my kids is wearing me down. It is funny that you have to pay for someone to tell you what is staring you right in the face, but I am too far up the crazy tree to realise it my self!
My life (like many others) revolves around guilt and trying to find a happy medium in fitting everything in, and it is driving me completely batty. I am frustrated, angry, sad... ready to blow up and burst into tears all at the same time. I try to drag my ass out of bed at an early hour to get work (employed work) done before bubs and hubby wake.. This is to keep my boss happy and allow myself to give MJ the time she so desires once she wakes (If I don't give her this time, guilt sets in). If I am working at the computer MJ will sit at my lap and cry for my attention (now doesn't that make me feel horrible!) This also allows more time for cleaning, cooking, quality time with the children. In a perfect world it does anyone. Each and every day brings its own challenges that generally gets in the way of these things. The kids were difficult so I did not get enough work done.. letting my boss down. My Boss is short staffed and has a tonne of work, so I try to fit extra hours... letting my kids, house and husband down. I have been too weighed down to cook hubby a fresh meal to take to work for dinner so he has to grab a meal a prepared and froze days earlier.. feel like I am letting him down. My house has to be clean when people come over, or I feel like I am failing as a house wife. My kids are badly behaved when we are out of the house.. my failure. I have to be on top of everything, or I FAIL!!! I know this is far from the truth, I am far from perfect, but have this anal need to try and aim for close to perfect in a lot of what I do. This, and running after my kids every need and demand is running me into the ground and I am mentally wreaked.
When my kids cry and winge, I answer there call. When they ask, I give (within reason.. no you can not have chocolate 10mins before tea!). But often everything is dropped to meet their demands. Hence why my youngest is a clingy sooky baby (but oh so cute).. Once again I don't look at this as a personality trait, but wonder if I have been too attentive and made her this way (in which case, I have failed!). My Shrink said today that I should be able to read a magazine while the kids play.. HAHAHAHA, I had to laugh.. I did not realise this was possible for any mother to do?? Do I live outside a normal world where many mums can actually do this, or is this really not possible for many mums out there?? I feel that I need to be always doing something or I feel like a lazy mum. So as you can see, I am my own worst enemy in this battle.. truly I am.