As well as feeling totally anxious about everything and anything, I had totally lost my self. If you had asked me what I enjoyed doing, I could not give you a serious answer. I knew I wanted to do something to make me feel happy, but I had no idea where to start. All I could do is cry, and cry, and cry a little more.I had no idea who I was anymore.. very cliche, but very real. I had lost all control of how I felt, and being someone that had always had control, this scared me.
I almost felt like I wanted to rebel and do something crazy, but there was still that responsible and sensible side telling me to keep it clean, you are a mum! For months I tried things that I thought used to make me happy with no joy. The thing is I could not force my self to feel better, I just had to tread lightly and let time help. But frustrated and impatient, I just wanted to find reasons and answers so I could fix it. A part of me just wanted someone to walk through the door and fix it for me, because no matter what I did I could not fix it. After time I realised that there is no magic fix, and I understood what you hear people say, that depression is not just a feeling, but an illness.
Not so long ago I had a butterfly tattooed on my foot. Apart from just liking butterflies, this was to symbolise hope, strength and new life. This was something for me and only me. I am learning to become a little more selfish these days and trying to do things for my self that do not involve my kids. As one wise woman once told me, although I am a mum, I was Beck before I was a mum, and I still am Beck!
As we approach 2011, I approach with caution and a little anxiety, but far happier and more positive. It was this time last year my emotional train derailed, and I am very cautious to not let this happen again. Of course thinking about it with a clear mind I am in a very different situation than last year. I can now find things that make me happy. I take moments in my day to enjoy what a supportive friend referred to as 'the beautifuls'.. watching my children laugh together, or seeing them do something for the first time. These are the beautifuls. They will be ratbags, drive me insane, but just enjoying these moments can turn a crap day into a happy day, Maybe just for a moment, but this is a great improvement!