So approaching New Years 2010, all came crashing down. As I said if you push things aside long enough they will still find a way to burst out. I had completely burnt out and made my self quite sick in the meantime. Assuming it was just a tummy bug I spent the last few days of 2009 and the first few of 2010 in bed.. But this was not like a normal tummy bug. I felt so sick, so hot, so dizzy.. but the more I thought about all the things I needed to get done and how much the kids needed me, the worse I felt. It was like a permanent anxiety attack.
So many weeks in an out of the doctors, denial was finally pushed aside and the doctor confirmed that my PND has reared its ugly head again. This time it was far worse and I could not handle this my self. I was too afraid to leave the house by my self with my kids, but to afraid to be left alone at home with my kids.. Just thought of getting sick would bring on an anxiety attack. How would I look after my kids? Not looking at the bigger picture of course, I am sure if I was that bad someone would help.. But this is not me talking, but the PND.
So I started seeing a Therapist, who in turn recommended Anti-depressants. I was very much against this.. I did not want to take any drugs and most of all I did not want to take anything that may risk me feeling worse from the well known side effects. But my therapist said I was so deeply depressed it would be difficult to come through this on my own. By this stage I was desperate for this to be over so decided to give it a go. Looking back now I almost wish I had gone into a Mother-Baby unit for a little, as I have heard wonderful things, but I can say with hope that the hard part is behind me.