This is the life of me, here and now. Wife, Mum of two beautiful ratbags, and trying to find me in there somewhere too! Blogging the thoughts and journey through PND that has me where I am today. This is the life of my Happy (and sometimes not so happy) Mayhem..

Thursday, December 30, 2010

It's A Girl!!

Although I love my little man to bits, the day I found out I was having a girl I cried. For two reasons, I always wanted a little girl. My mum and I am like best friends and the chance to share that with my own daughter had me feeling like a giddy school girl. But for another reason, I did not want to have any more kids! The thought of facing PND again was not something I looked forward to, but we always knew their would be a baby number 2 so I had to take that chance.. If this baby was a boy I would very much want to go back again and I was just not sure I could handle it. Knowing she was a girl was a huge weight lifted. Or course top priority was to have happy healthy children, but that goes without saying..

Unlike the breeze that was my first pregnancy, this one was very uncomfortable, I constantly felt sick, and looking back I am pretty sure I was on a roller coaster of mild depression throughout the 9 months. Told that my little princess would grace her presence at least two weeks prior to her due date, I was in a right mood come days after my due date and she was still snug inside. However she was doing well so that was the all important point. After 2.5hours of what I can only describe as 'pleasant' labour (or course it hurt like hell, but all was straight forward so there could be no complaints!).. she was here. Once again I felt that amazing feeling as she was handed to me.. I have no words to describe this feeling, but I am sure many mums understand. It was love.. but after a few months this really turned to resentment.

I did not resent her to the point that I rejected her, in fact the opposite, I could not pry my self away from her in most cases. But like my son she enjoyed her 'crying time' until around 11pm each night for the first 2 months. Breastfeeding was very painful and difficult, but I soldiered on for 2 months.. after that I just said fuck it, why would anyone in their right mind be putting them self through this so many times a day when it was just making us both so miserable. I am all for Breast is Best, but only when it is really working for both mum and bubs. At what point in Breast Best when the baby is screaming and the mum is depressed?! This was one difficulty I could control, so I did.

Approaching Christmas it was all becoming too much, but that D word was in full swing.. I was in total denial thinking I had everything in control. After all, what mum is not tired and rundown within the first few months of having a baby. I am mum, a super woman, I can do it all.. right? Right?? I don't know why mums expect so much from them selves, but they do...

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