I could not understand how someone who could want this so very much could be such a mess. I am sure half of this was my own doing. I was so very stubborn and would not ask for help. Deep inside I am sure I was hoping someone would walk through the front door and help. But this was my doing, I wanted a baby so any problems that came with having this baby were mine.. no one else asked for this so why was it their responsibility to help pick up the pieces. Yes you can see how stupid and stubborn this sounds, but this is what my mind tells me..
But earlier this year my shrink told me something that even now I am still trying to drill into my head. It takes a village to raise a child. And she is right.. Children are like little sponges that pick up everything around them, and learning from many people will enrich their lives and open their minds. I have this guilt that I seem to carry around unknowingly where I feel guilty for almost everything that anyone does for my kids. Palming the kids off to let someone else look after them eats at me and I feel it is so very wrong, As mentioned they are my responsibility and I hate to think I am putting other out. But looking from the other side, who is to say that other people don't enjoy my kids and want spend time with them? In this case am I really putting people out?
Today I asked my now nearly 3yo lil man 'would you like to come shopping with mummy, or go to nan and pa's'. Of course he wants to go to nan and pa's where he can play. What toddler wants to be confined to a trolley and dragged through the shops.. keeping in mind that this will be equally torturous for mum as said toddler pulls everything off the shelves, screams and squeals at the top of his lungs, and throws tantrums because he wants a donut NOW! But getting back to my point, when asked if I need him looked after that afternoon when I shop, the guilt sets in.. I am his mum, he is my responsibility, I should have to deal with him good, bad and otherwise. When you think about it I am just making life harder for myself, as well as all the other shoppers who get to feel the wrath of this lovely little darling throughout the shopping centre. So this is where I should graciously accept the offer from my 'Village' and let them take him!
Am I the only crazy one who holds such silly guilt which I can't seem to shake!